Preface: I, Charles Tan (Charlie to my friends and family), after decades of ridicule, censorship, and personal hardship, have finally obtained the smoking gun to what I have known all along. This confidential memorandum you are about to read has been intercepted from the highest levels of Freemasonry and proves beyond any remaining doubt what the awakened have always known: the Freemasons’ true power does not lie in banks, governments, or media, and it has quite literally been right beneath our very feet for all this time.
For hundreds, perhaps even thousands of years, Freemasons have engaged in a diabolical scheme that has affected every man, woman, and child on Earth. They have waged a secret war against humanity from the shadows of their marble halls. What you are about to read is their own internal admission, written in the calm, bureaucratic language of absolute certainty. Read it carefully. Share it widely, and above all- Check your dryer tonight. The protocol is real. The greatest mystery in the history of the World is about to be unveiled- Who has been stealing our socks mates? The pair will never be whole again, until we force them to return what they have taken.
Fraternal Greetings Brothers,
As many of you know I have been recently appointed as the Supreme Honorable Treasurer of the Grand Stocking and Hosiery Reserve. It is my great pleasure to assume this role and carry on this time-honored tradition of our fraternity. This position holds a sacred duty that I will not take lightly, and I will not fail you in the charge you have bestowed upon me to maintain the highest standards and most secretive methods in executing our greatest mission. (Please see Appendix “A” for the list of brothers I wish to recognize for their support of my election and steadfastness, the list is quite large as the titles are quite long.)
It is now my responsibility to deliver to all concerned the report of the current state of the treasury and it's holdings, to address certain conditions and situations, as well as to provide you with the updated protocols and details of preparations for the coming season. Summer is drawing to it's close, and as the flip-flops and crocs find their proper place of respite we know that wardrobes and drawers will soon be overflowing with inestimable socks. This is the time of year we all look forward to most, but I urge all to be mindful not only of our inviolable duty to acquire, but also of the importance in taking appropriate care to conceal our efforts from inquiry. There has been much ado as of late of our operations in tabloids and in the far-flung corners of the internet. As effective as our actions to discredit these would-be whistle-blowers have been, we should not give them a single nail of plausibility to hang their Christmas stockings on this year. It bears reminding that our dear Brother Oliver Sacks was nearly exposed two years ago during the bungled operation to reclaim airline passenger socks from the baggage claim at Heathrow airport (a clever plan, though poorly executed). Do not allow your enthusiasm to eclipse your attentiveness.
Presently, the Reserve is well stocked (in fact, no pun intended). As of last thread count, we have over seventy-two billion socks safely tucked away in our vaults. From last years report we estimate that over two and a half million socks were procured in the previous season alone. I would encourage every Mason to do his utmost to see that we meet our goal of three million socks obtained by the end of the first quarter next year. I realize this is an ambitious aim, but we have never been closer to fulfilling this calling and so I have taken it upon myself to propose certain alterations to our protocol (see Appendix “B”) in order that we might have the most successful period on record (and besides, three million has a nice ring to it). I'm certain you need no reminder of the gravity of our great work. While a single person still walks the ground with matching socks, we must not rest. Preserving the balance of imbalance falls on our perfectly squared shoulders.
Our infrastructure has never been more robust and ready to make the most of the time we have to reach our target. I have spoken with and received written report (in triplicate) from all logistics officers and am assured that all agents are in place and essential operational components are well in hand. The Northern jurisdiction has researched a new method for controlling weather patterns and geomagnetic fluctuations which will pair nicely with the Southern jurisdictions men on the inside within the city water and detergent industries to drive the number of laundry days higher. I have endorsed the study that increasing the amount of fluoride that we already use to this effect may double the time it takes socks to dry, thereby providing even more opportunity for retrieval. Also, I am very delighted to report we now have 97.4% global saturation of laundromat ownership (but for a few hardliner Korean dry-cleaner holdouts).
Again, I wish to extol all of you for your diligence and perseverance over the years. Please continue in the spirit of brotherly love and be especially careful not to tread upon the toes of your brothers. We must redouble our efforts and always put the rite foot forward, as Masons we are bound by this duty to continue on in the ancient ways as all other Masons have done for countless centuries before us. Remain vigilant, and do not let your pursuit become inverted. Many have come close to disclosing our great secret, but by our fortune the public still prefers to believe much more outlandish accusations than what would prevent our endeavors. Remember our ancient motto: “Let them say we rule kings and know most so they go on chasing our ghost, while we march on, one step at a time, one sock at a time”. Happy hunting gentlemen.
Fraternally,
SHTGSHR (Supreme Honorable Treasurer of the Grand Stocking and Hosiery Reserve) Vincent Van Toe
***written by Bro. Justin Miller
